Conversations about life, learning and growing up

The school holidays always afford a wonderful opportunity to spend quality time with our children. Gone is rushing out the door with brief cases and brief kisses goodbye, with a sandwich hastily made, and the cats protesting about having to spend the day outside. And in its place are long sustained conversations over breakfast and the paper or morning coffee in a cafe - or in the case of this last holiday, midday rests between hitting the underwater world for Dive No 2 of the day.

Stories anchor children to their futures

During one such conversation, Maddie, my daughter, suddenly said 'well, you know, it was never an option about whether or not I would go to uni - the conversations about post high school always included a certainty I would have a degree.'  And she's right -  our conversations and discussions since she was the tiniest thing were about creating a picture of what her future could be.

Parents are very powerful and influential in helping to create the stories that children see in their heads about a lot of things - not just their future possibilities but also about their self-worth, their capability and their attitudes to school, learning and life in general. If we know this, then we need to take care with the stories we tell and the conversations we have. Which ones will be the most powerful in helping our children develop an overarching life story of positivity and fulfilment; one in which they embrace learning and change as a natural part of life?

I think we could tell stories about taking risks, persevering, setting goals, planning for success, personal organisation and leadership. These are far better stories for anchoring the future than those stories about school results, getting good grades and doing homework.

The stories could be about ourselves succeeding or failing, about other positive role models in society (who our heroes are and why), about what's in the news and what we think about it, about our observations of daily life, and about what life could be like.

Maddie's comment got me thinking about the conversations I've had with her for the past 18 years - these conversations have already taken her to some pretty special places (both physically and metaphorically); she has learned to set goals and persevere and manage her time well; she's prepared to try for things I would never have thought of when I was 28, let alone 18, and I believe she will be a great leader in the future. As far as personal organisation goes - by the look of her room, I need to lift my game with these particular stories. I'm not sure which ones I was telling but they have not resulted in tidiness. Last year she won an award at college for having the cleanest room at the end of the semester (so clearly it's possible) - anyway, this provided an endless source of amusement for my husband and I who have never seen a clean and tidy room we haven't orchestrated! And perhaps herein lies the answer - the story we were telling wasn't often about success in the area of a tidy room - and more about how like my brother she is!

Learning to struggle

There's a growing body of writing focusing on the importance of finding learning difficult in the overall development of children. And there is a plethora of examples comparing the difference between Eastern and Western classrooms and parenting.

A post by Alix Spiegel discusses the differences eloquently.

Over the years I've been an educator I've seen an interesting phenomena develop. We (parents and teachers) don't like to see our children find things hard. We don't like them to have to struggle for too long. We don't like them becoming distressed if they can't do something, and over time we have rescued and rescued and now we have many many children who simply don't make the link between hard work, struggling with a problem, perseverance and achievement. The net result is that children give up too quickly, and perhaps, are not learning to live with a feeling of 'uncomfortableness' for any amount of time.

I recently witnessed my own daughter struggling with studying for an end of year exam in anatomy. The procrastination, the complaints about the teacher, the whining about not being smart enough and 'everyone else is so clever; I'm not' and the claims that 'we haven't even been taught this' were extraordinarily creative. It really took me by surprise. And it took her more by surprise when I said, 'Yes, anatomy is hard, and no, it's not good enough to be able to give a detailed description of the digestive system when the exam requires one about the eye! Clearly you haven't studied enough and you're going to have to work at it harder now'. And I couldn't resist adding 'I hope you've learned your lesson'. (I probably could have done without that last comment!)

I often hear teachers comment that the children in their classes that find learning more difficult (eg. have to try harder to get the same result another has achieved effortlessly) are the ones who seem to be able to work away at a problem and who have developed a tolerance to having to struggle a bit - as opposed to the ones who have been rescued, and have learned they can just give up.

The problems of our future require people who can struggle away at something very hard and not find that uncomfortable feeling so distressing they don't want to continue. As parents we need to let our children struggle and encourage them to view the struggle positively. We need to let them find things hard and not rush in to rescue them, worrying that their 'distress' is going to cause some unimaginable harm.  In the end the harm it may cause is a generation of children not willing to persist and not willing to struggle to achieve something great.